An Ultimatum

Hello there, my always-happy west coast friend. How have you been? It's been quite a rollercoaster ride for me these past few weeks, to be honest. Filled with extremely high "ups," and dangerously low "downs," but I think that this rollercoaster ride has reached its end.

I'm going to spare you the details (which is something I rarely do) and just talk about the past few days and now.

Eventually, after piecing together small puzzle-like pieces, context clues, and the like, I found out several things that all basically say "Ew, I don't like you, get away from me." I was also able to make out several pieces that have a similar message, but I won't say what they are for now (or maybe even never). Look, the point is that I know she doesn't like me and she wants me to stay away.

And it's all horrible to realize on your own. It's like receiving a birthday present, tearing open the box, and finding a corpse inside it. Forgive my foul terminology, but it's apt for what I have gone through these past few days. I've beaten up myself over those thoughts more times than I can count, I've blamed myself over and over, I've shed tears in public that's enough to fill a bucket.

Self-inflicted pain can only do you so much for so long. Eventually, you'll get tired of whaling on yourself. You'll just feel tired and lack the energy to do anything. That's where I am now.

However, I did learn a lesson or two after it all and I came to an ultimatum as well.

My ultimatum? Just move on. There's no use in salvaging what's left, no real reason why I should go further, no point in lingering. It might no, it definitely will hurt, but the most difficult choice is the best one. It'd be useless to pick up fallen petals because it'd never bloom again.

Moving on will hurt like hell. I mean, of course it should hurt, I love the person and I'm trying to remove all the feelings I have for them. The moving-on process will hurt, will sting, and will be a real pain in the chest. It will break me.

But I have to do it. She already has done so, and I should do the same. I guess this is the end.

Heading Tomorrow

"Tomorrow is a mystery," is a phrase people say a lot. I don't really know what tomorrow holds for me, specifically, but I know what I have in store for myself tomorrow.

I sure as hell am not going to post anything on Facebook, Twitter, IG, any other social media platform (other than this) about the whole situation. No "patama posts" or anything mean directed towards her. No more whining publicly about "woe is me, I am forlorn over the recent events that have transpired," or that sort of thing. No mean stuff.

As for the posts/tweets/things I've made about her, I'll leave them up. I don't know why, but I just will. No deleting anything.

Finally, no haggling of any kind. No "please stay with me, I love you a lot," "I'll do anything to make you say," or anything similar. Just pure acceptance over what has happened.

The good news is that all this depression will finally convince me to stop eating, ha ha ha. Something I've been wanting to do since the start of this year. So, yeah, I've got that going for me.

One last thing I plan on doing is just accepting it all and moving on. No more crying over spilled milk, no more wishing for a better past, no more wallowing in pain because of what happened.

Just pure acceptance over what happened and not leaving any bad feelings left behind. I know this is all my fault anyway, I had let myself go this far and I knew the consequences involved. At the end of the day, I basically had this coming because I listened to my heart.

Guess I deserved it, didn't I? Ha ha. Oh well, c'est la vie.


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