Ah, June

Hello there, my happy west coast friend. We are currently on the last on the last leg of this month, as June is about to end. Ah, June.

June is always a special time for me. In elementary, I'd pray that I'd make a new friend or meet a new classmate in June, as the month heralded the start of the school year here in the Philippines. I used to pray, days before classes began, for a new friend, for a new experience, for a new start.

Then, around high school, June started to have a weird taste in my palate. June was the month where I first asked someone if I could be their boyfriend. I got rejected, of course, but the girl (my first love) and I are still best friends to this day. Regardless, that event made June rather infamous for me.

And, well, here we are now—a full 6 years later since that first event. I've found someone to love and someone who (kinda) liked me back over the summer; it wasn't me finding her per se but rather, us finding each other. It seemed like an endless amount of sunshine and happy days in our land of the midnight sun. But, as you'll soon find out, even the sun sets in paradise.

Early June

Everything seemed to settle down between us on this part of the month. Not by choice, though, as our vastly differing schedules (as well as my work) served as a barrier between us. Whenever we would talk, it's either early in the morning or late at night, almost no in-betweens. I was working, sure, and we would still chat and talk with each other, but our time together wasn't plentiful and quite sparse.

At this point, I had followed a routine: wake up, talk to her, eat breakfast, shower, get ready for work, go to work, work, get eager to go home, go home, talk to her for a while, sleep. Rinse and repeat. We haven't talked much about the stuff we like and our varying schedules almost barred us from "talking in a fun way," with each other.

But then, one day, a miracle happened. I had received something on my desk upon arriving at home. It was something I had never received before—an actual handwritten love letter.

It wasn't an actual love letter, although it had the hallmarks of one. It. Made. My. Heart. Skip. A. Beat.

I was ecstatic. "Holy shit! A love letter!" my inner voice shouted. Personally, I didn't believe what was in front of me, I even thought that I was in one long dream. But I wasn't. That love letter changed everything.

Wanting to reciprocate the letter, I came up with the most hairbrained, cockamamie scheme I had ever come up with.

What followed was a long back-and-forth between various friends and I. A long saga of gift planning and meticulous outlining. I plotted, drafted, schemed for hours on end. A "master plan" came to fruition after hours of thinking. However, this master plan was one tall order.

The master plan was this, I would pack various gifts and deliver it to her house before she would leave for her theater practice. Sounds simple, but mighty difficult to execute. I had planned it for a strict timeframe. I had to buy the gifts, pack and wrap them all, head out my house, ride the PNR train, and get to her house—all before 7 am.

For this plan to work, everything (on my side) had to be perfect, and I had to make sure that I would function on little to no sleep at all. I didn't know if I could do all that perfectly and on such short notice. I was scared. I felt like I couldn't do it.

But I did.

On my way home, it rained so much. On my trip to get there, it barely rained. Journeying home, it felt like some god was displeased with me and threw a huge downpour on my way. I'm not kidding. It really rained so much, my shoes were soaked in a mixture of rainwater and sewer water.

A twist and a tumble later, I was home, of course. The rain calmed down, but came crashing down afterward was a huge "Thunder."


Mid-June was the time when shit hit the fan. There was this looming feeling of being unwanted and unappreciated within me. My imagination was being mean to me again, telling me that she was mildly amused by it all, or that she didn't actually like seeing me. I fight it back by saying "no, she really liked it." Conversations and debates in my head devolved into elementary school banter. The bully was me, and the one bullied was also me. I still pushed on regardless of what happened. Regardless of the rain outside my house, regardless of the rain inside my head.

Then one day solidifies all my doubts. A day after, I break down.

I had completely lost my poise and sanity at this point. Queue full emo mode for the next few days. No Facebook, no Twitter, no social media. Total social media blackout. I didn't want to see anything that might hurt me, I didn't hear anything that might hurt me, I didn't want to speak of anything that might hurt me or her—see, hear, and speak no evil.

This was the harshest week of my life in 2018 yet. My Last.fm profile, a profile that tracks all the music I play in real-time, was filled with emo songs back-to-back-to-back. So bring on the rain and bring on the thunder.

...it was hard.

It felt like my heart was going to shatter into a million pieces. I cried throughout the day while playing back mistakes and problems I've noticed. Subtle cues that told me to fuck off or that she didn't like me as much, or that she didn't like me at all.

The pain was so horrible. I've contemplated self-harm or suicide as a means to get out, but I didn't want to follow through it. It was a pain I can't describe and I slowly descended into madness. Deep down, I knew I had to experience this pain, but I didn't expect it to be this much. The kicker was that I felt like she was being fake happy towards all my efforts and hardships. Everyone's fake to one another, even a little, but finding out that the person you like was being so fake happy with you will break something within you.

The only saving grace I had during that time was my best friend, as well as a few other friends.

After my tear ducts turned dry from all the crying, after my voice turned hoarse from all the screaming, after my heart broke into pieces from all the pain, guess what. Guess what happened next.

I saw something glow. I saw the sunshine glow through my blinds one morning. The sunshine kissed my forehead and helped me out of bed. I guess that's what friends are for.

Late June

And thus brings us here, my happy west coast friend. Here we are, late June. It was a long journey to get here, to be honest. But I'm glad to be here.

I firmly know now that life continues regardless of what's happened. Life will always go on moving forward. Be I happy or miserable, the morning sun will rise fairly and cruelly. And I should, too.

I'm still not sure of what's ahead of me, but one thing is certain: I still want to be her friend. I think being friends mean a lot to me. I do want to leave all that's happened in the past and accept the futility of it all. Time to box up all these feelings and store them on a shelf somewhere in my head.

As for romance, I don't think I can handle another experience like that once more (for this year), ha ha ha. I'll just learn to be content with what I have—my friends—and make the most out of the bonds and relationships I have with them. After all, they are my sunshine.

Late June is starting to look pretty good. The monsoon rains have stopped and there isn't much rain here in the Philippines (and isn't much in my head, too!). The climate is getting a little warmer. All the little pieces, which were once lost, are now starting to fall back into place.

I have so much to look forward to for the days ahead—for tomorrow. I might meet up with my big sister Elaine tomorrow, hang out with my bros, and get a new Windows Phone. I'm going to play Minecraft with Jean real soon and I'm going to watch Ant-Man and the Wasp with my former college classmates. Lord knows I have dearly missed them.

Also, my new pair of earphones shipped today and they are freakin' awesome! They're Nokia-Monster Purity earphones and listening to them takes me back to high school. I've owned a pair of these before and they were free when I bought my Nokia Lumia 900 in my second year of high school. Holding them and actually using them is a real treat, they make me remember high school in its own subtle way.

But, you know, I guess that's it for June. On this long cruise trip called "life" you, my happy west coast friend, and I are mere stowaways. We can't do anything other than enjoy the ride and move forward along with the ship.

Hello, July.


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