Breakdown

I don't know how to put this lightly, but this week just turned into a major shitshow. I was doing fine the week before, acting all happy, playing games, and enjoying my life. Until one day the past just crept up on me. Suddenly, I miss my old friends. I'm reminded of my wrongdoings. I'm shown who I was back then.

I seriously don't like this feeling, and I hate all these realizations. I keep thinking of the things I could've done—things that could make me a happier man now. I now realize that I've forgone so much joy and happiness because I was so stupid and blind back then.

It's a haunting feeling. It's like I'm tied up to a chair, forced to watch re-runs of the mistakes I've made. What I'm feeling now is just extreme cold on my skin, and a feeling of extreme loneliness. It's a creepy feeling, cold just creeps on your skin whenever you remember how alone you are.

After my class, I wanted to eat but I lost my appetite. I didn't know what to do so I went to the library and went to the darkest corner of it. I played some music, looked at pictures of her, and I just instantly broke down on the spot.

I left myself alone there, crying for a full hour or so. It felt like a year had passed by in that corner of the library. I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout, I wanted to just kill myself and end it all. I get it. I fucked up. I'm sorry.

But it just won't stop. I had no one to talk to there. I looked at my phone, thought of the person I could contact, but I couldn't think of anyone. I hit my head against the wall and just spent my time there thinking about the past that once was.

At the end of my episode, I had two choices: cut class, go home, and just be gloomy there or I could continue to go to class and try and fight this. I chose the former. I didn't have the strength needed to continue and I looked extremely disheveled. I had the worst insomnia last night, too. The worst one yet. These two days of torment was beginning to take its toll on me, and I give up.


When do you stop hurting? When do you feel better?

Do you feel better once you've said sorry, acknowledged your faults, and try to move on? Do you feel better once you've tried fixing everything? Do you feel better when you've beaten yourself up, used up all your tears, and admitted defeat?

I don't know. I just want to stop feeling so lonely. I want my to have friends like them again. I'd throw away my life and everything in it just to have friends by my side again. I miss having a good friend like Jean. I miss feeling cared for like how Elaine cared for me.

Why do I always break down?

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