A Solemn Promise

The past few days have been tough on me, honestly. These past 3 days might not have meant anything to you, but it has changed me in a lot of ways. In that timeframe, I fought back so many things. I heard voices telling me "you shouldn't have done this," I watched myself make the same mistakes over and over again. I felt the darkness inside me that once pushed me to the brink of suicide.

Truth is, I won the battle against all of them. The way I won isn't anything of note, but let's just say I had to pay my respects internally. I've made hurtful decisions in my life and I admit I made a mistake. I'm not like my dad, in that I'm never willing to admit any fault, and I'm not infallible either.

I had hurt people—most of whom had cared for me a lot and I was close to—and I want to say sorry to them for being so stubborn when I was young. Hopefully, I may be able to message them soon and properly apologize to them. But since they're busy with their lives, I might as well say sorry to them in my memories.

So, what does this all mean?

In the grand scheme of things: nothing; in my context of my life: a journey to peace. When I was being called on Skype, messaged because someone wanted to talk to me, and helped by my friends, I took it all for granted. I even acted hard-headed when they tried to help. I hated everyone who tried to help and said very hurtful things to those who did.

Now, realizing that I've pushed everyone away and hurt them too much, I realize that I have no one. I realized that my friends not only took care of me, but they wanted to help because they wanted to see me do well. I guess they wanted to see me smile again and stop hurting. Even if they had no reason to stay, no reason to help, they still did it. And I only realized it when it was too late.

This was a harsh lesson in learning how to appreciate people better. I don't know who orchestrated this, but, considering the things I've done recently, I guess I was overdue for a new test. Thankfully, I didn't hurt myself nor did I try to hurt others. Plus, I learned lessons and grew along the way, and I got to pay respects for the bad thing I've done in the past. So I guess I can say that I passed the test (yay!).

I'm well aware that this darkness inside me is still there—and might never leave. It's evil, but it's a necessary evil; something to test me to see if I had learned my lessons. My simple wish is that the next time this evil shows up to haunt me, I'll be prepared.

And my promise? I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes again, and I promise to hold on to all the lessons I've learned.

Besides, my best friend wrote this for me. I'm definitely going to cherish this sentiment forever.


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