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A Passage to Nowhere

It was today that I decided to visit this place again. Looking at the surface, the locked doors are in a decrepit and dilapidated state, a testament to the years of neglect for this place. Looking rather weak, I decided not to pry these doors and instead reach in my pocket for the keys. As I shimmy the keychain out of my pocket, I am greeted by an old, albeit familiar, jingle that momentarily pauses me to think “is it right coming to this place?” I eventually find the key for the door and slide it into the worn-out lock. As I slowly turn the key, a loud clang from the lock can be heard, and the doors slowly open, scattering the dust and overgrowth that built-up against the door.

As I look inside, the scene was unlike any other. A narrow hallway stretched as far as the eye can see, and a bright light fills my eyes. As I take a moment to adjust, I am greeted by a long hallway that, despite the doors, is in pristine condition. The dust from the outside seeps in and sparkles beneath the b…

Rumors Unmoved by the Wind

It's been a long time since I last fell in love, but that's okay. I didn't actually fall in love with anyone this year, if I'm going to be honest. And, with the year wrapping up next month, I doubt I'm going to fall in love with anyone come January 1st.

Still, it's okay, I've gotten used to it.

Recently, though, a friend has "gotten me out of my shell" and re-introduced me into dating apps. On one site, it seems like I'm barely trying. And on another, it seems like I'm trying too hard. I'm not sure if I should even believe in these things anymore because I have personally used this site for 2 years, and I've only made 2 friends from them.

I think I've only tried to court one person from the site aforementioned. The others, I've talked to for a while, but we kind of lost contact when we both stopped messaging each other.

I don't think my mind (nor body) wants to try my best on these apps/websites anymore. I don't eve…

Letting Go to Let Grow

These topics I'm about to write and eventually talk about have been weighing heavily on me—not just recently, but for a long time. I don't write that often (as I'm usually not that much inspired to anymore); however, I stumbled upon a little, yet bright, piece of inspiration that spurred me into writing this.

Today, I've submitted myself to the harshest form of psychological torture I've ever gone through. The punisher: me; the victim: me. It's an all too common position of power I have since I hold unusually high standards for myself and scold myself, cruelly, if I can't reach them.

I scolded myself earlier for realizing that my birthday is due in a few months and that I've been single my entire life—kissless, handhold(less), relationship(less?). And, you know, I have enough self-awareness to ask myself: If I've been single that long, clearly there must be something wrong with me.

And on that premise, whoo boy, I whaled down on myself for... being …

The Open Secret

It's been a while since I've posted and I do apologize for that, but I also want to say that the main hindrance for me posting has been the overwhelming amount of lethargy in my life. I have no idea how this horrible seed has ingrained itself into my way of thinking, but it's already here. I can't uproot it for the time being (as I lack the willpower to do so) and all I can do is just let it sit there until, I don't know, something good happens.

Anyways, that's not the point. Aside from that (and the usual plethora of problems in my life), I have something else that I want to talk about today, something much more important.

I've been noticing that, as time goes on, I've become more of a secretive person. There's an overarching theme of privacy in this chapter of my life and it's been going on for quite a long time.

It all started a few months or so into my first job. While the environment was nice and the workplace sure was welcoming to me, it j…

Answer: Ebb and Flow

If there's one song that impacted my life the most, it would probably be Megurine Luka's song "Answer." It has impacted me before, of course, and I'm here to say that it's impacted me yet again.

Listening to the song (and the English V4X version) on a warm summer night made me realize something.

I've realized that time is cruel to me; coincidentally, it is kind to me as well. There exist various instances where I am extremely blessed—whether through gifts, life milestones, or by the presence of people. There are also those times where I am extremely unlucky, such as the times I've been given a bad deal, a horrible situation I can't get out of, or even through the loss of some people in my life.

The fact that I've gained and lose people over time is probably the saddest constant in my life. It is always to be expected and it just crushes my heart to lose people because of me, my actions, or of time.

Truth is, I expect this constant to make its …

Crying over Spilled Milk

I don't usually tell people what's going on in my mind and, when I do, it's usually to those who I'm very close with. There are days wherein I just blankly stare into space and shed a tear (or several). Most of the time, people don't know the reason why. It's a fairly-closed secret and I'm about to share it today.

There are some days where I have daydreams about high school. The scenes that play in my head are fictional, of course, taking place in a place far better than my old school. And in those daydreams, I'm just extremely happy and enjoying my life as an HS student. I'm spending time with my best friend Jean at the library or having snacks with her and some of my few buddies. Jean was one of my closest friends in high school, that is true, but she and I never shared a meal together, and I kinda wish we did just for the hell of it.

There are also those days where I come back to relive my own memories, then tweaking said memories a little bit. L…

The Important Truths of 2018

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2018 is probably the most game-changing year of my life. Seriously, there has been a plethora of changes—of which, mostly good—introduced into my life and even now, at the very end of the year, I'm still struggling to process it all. At the beginning of the year, I was a N.E.E.T., then that whole "Employment Saga" happened, and I even fell in love with someone this year.

Of course, as with every story, it isn't all one-sided, even from my viewpoint. There were some truths as well as lies. This post shall talk about the important truths; whereas the post about the unimportant lies I've made this year shall be posted in my other fringe blog. Right then, onto the list.
I got a job This was easily, easily the most important truth and my main highlight of this year. This one truth was my focal point of this year—the difference that actually mattered. Around this time a year ago, I was horribly depressed, the worst kind of it. It had been around a month or so since I d…

A Cowardly Mont Blanc, Its Insecurities, and a Goodbye

In the interim between this post and the last one, a lot of events have occurred—and, for the first time in forever, they were mostly good things! Despite my excitement to share my whimsical stories of the past few weeks, I must hold back, as it is my time to say goodbye.

Honestly, my whole life, I've been running away from various responsibilities, responsibilities in which I must do but don't, and I got that trait from my dad. Being confronted head-on is not my thing and I either end up breaking down, hesitating, or running away. And that's my flaw, I know. I can never show my true self to someone facing me (though, there are exceptions).

Last week or so, I watched a video. It's funny how insults can't make me cry anymore, but a simple 5-minute video of two people affirming their love for each other can. It really speaks volumes of how I've come to patch my personality over time while still leaving gaps in areas I can't reach yet.

It's easy for me to …

Despair

i hit rock bottom today. i cant take it anymore. ive been so tired these past few days and i really cant go on anymore. i want to cry but i cant, i want to sleep but i cant, i want to die but i cant. i have no hope today. i dont want to smile or fake it by saying that im okay. i just want to curl up into a ball and cry. im so miserable and my life story is such a shattered mess. maybe its actually best if i do just die.

ive got no hope. that dream ive been wishing for will never come true. my past is a broken mess and my future is a cold harsh life. my sanity is really low today. ive got no hope. i dont want to help my friends with their schoolwork and i just want to cry for the next few days. ive been hearing voices in my head all day and they tell me to end it all.

if one more fuckup happens, ill end it. im done playing this game. i dont want to live anymore.