A Passage to Nowhere

It was today that I decided to visit this place again. Looking at the surface, the locked doors are in a decrepit and dilapidated state, a testament to the years of neglect for this place. Looking rather weak, I decided not to pry these doors and instead reach in my pocket for the keys. As I shimmy the keychain out of my pocket, I am greeted by an old, albeit familiar, jingle that momentarily pauses me to think “is it right coming to this place?” I eventually find the key for the door and slide it into the worn-out lock. As I slowly turn the key, a loud clang from the lock can be heard, and the doors slowly open, scattering the dust and overgrowth that built-up against the door.

As I look inside, the scene was unlike any other. A narrow hallway stretched as far as the eye can see, and a bright light fills my eyes. As I take a moment to adjust, I am greeted by a long hallway that, despite the doors, is in pristine condition. The dust from the outside seeps in and sparkles beneath the b…

Game On!

These past few weeks, I've been busy with a bunch of stuff—work, youth movements, dealing with how to maintain friendships, etc. These past few months, I've never been into gaming that much, if at all. Heck, I don't even call myself a "gamer" as other people play games longer and more often than I do.

That doesn't mean I haven't strived to become one, though. All my PC equipment—from my chair, keyboard, mouse, mousepad, headset, headset stand, and even the PC itself—is gamer-centric. I own hundreds of games on Steam and have other gaming accounts on other platforms, most of which have paid games. I also have a handheld gaming console that not a lot of people own and I've filled it with a bunch of games.

All these gaming things and I haven't played a good game in months. What gives, right?

I'm not a gamer and I never was, or at least I don't think so. After losing my gaming essentials in my teens (my PSP, laptop's gaming graphics card, …

Giving a Little More

Hello there, my west coast friends! I've been thinking a lot about my friends these past few days and I've come to realize that I never really put that much effort into my friendships. Or, at least, I haven't put in as much effort as I'd like. I've reiterated on this blog (and in so many other places) that I really, dearly love my friends, but I guess words are hollow without action.

Like, for example, I don't really message people first that often. Most of the time, I just wait around and pass the time until they message me first. I, unfortunately, do that with everyone, best friends included. Something about me messaging another person first just doesn't feel right. What if they're busy? Or what if I'm disturbing them? What if they're not in the mood to talk? What if the things I say might actually push me away from them even more?

I just kept asking myself those and using those as excuses to not talk to my friends that often, sadly. Until, ov…

The New Coworkers? Who Are They?

I just celebrated something unexpected this month: my 1-year anniversary with this job. Truth be told, when I was told that it was my work anniversary, I was promptly shocked. Little did I know that a year had passed by ever since I've started working this job. And, to be honest, it didn't even feel like a year (which is bad).

Ever since last year or the year before last, I've learned this neat trick on how to "fast-forward" my life—just like in the movie Click. The trick to fast-forwarding is to "turn off my brain and tune it all out, forgetting the day that had passed." Now, I don't actually "turn off my brain," per se, but I just don't mind much nor care about the usual day-to-day, while still seemingly normal on the outside. The thing is, I don't actually "come out and deal with the day-to-day," I just hide my real self whenever I'm at work, only ever coming out when I'm hanging out with a friend or just after…

A Summer without You

It's honestly surprising to me that an entire month has passed with so little things of note. Almost nothing happened to me for the month of April, for some reason. I don't mean to sound like an old guy (especially since I'm still in my early 20's), but, back in my teen days, April was one of the most eventful months of the year. I usually spent the month goofing off with my friends or family, hanging around outside, talking on Skype, playing online games, and so on. But this year, I didn't do much aside from attending very interesting discussions that my (still-new) friend recommends and working my 9-5 job. Sure, I spent a lot of time reading, watching anime and videos on YouTube, but I don't think I learned or grew much as a person this month.
My April in 2020 was also the first month without my 2 best friends. For the first half of the month, I was a bit devastated since I no longer had my lively friends to talk to. But, then again, I was never the one to ini…

March Comes in Like a Lion

For me, February came out like a lamb—all gentle, soft, and generally uneventful; March, however, roared in like a lion—fierce, strong, and distinct out of all the months of 2020 (thus far). It's only been 4 months since my last post here (only a quarter of a year has passed) and yet it feels like it's been years. Let's see how March has shaped my 2020 so far, let's start at the beginning of the month.

The first few weeks of March were warm, both in temperature and in the company of my friends. I hung out with friends every single weekend and I just enjoyed the company of some of the people around me. I was thankfully invited to an amusement park by a close friend for their birthday celebration and it was probably one of the best weekends I've ever had with a friend.

Work was getting serious for me this month, too. I would be in charge of implementing a major feature to the project we're working on, and it was essentially my time to step up to the plate. After …

Rumors Unmoved by the Wind

It's been a long time since I last fell in love, but that's okay. I didn't actually fall in love with anyone this year, if I'm going to be honest. And, with the year wrapping up next month, I doubt I'm going to fall in love with anyone come January 1st.

Still, it's okay, I've gotten used to it.

Recently, though, a friend has "gotten me out of my shell" and re-introduced me into dating apps. On one site, it seems like I'm barely trying. And on another, it seems like I'm trying too hard. I'm not sure if I should even believe in these things anymore because I have personally used this site for 2 years, and I've only made 2 friends from them.

I think I've only tried to court one person from the site aforementioned. The others, I've talked to for a while, but we kind of lost contact when we both stopped messaging each other.

I don't think my mind (nor body) wants to try my best on these apps/websites anymore. I don't eve…

Letting Go to Let Grow

These topics I'm about to write and eventually talk about have been weighing heavily on me—not just recently, but for a long time. I don't write that often (as I'm usually not that much inspired to anymore); however, I stumbled upon a little, yet bright, piece of inspiration that spurred me into writing this.

Today, I've submitted myself to the harshest form of psychological torture I've ever gone through. The punisher: me; the victim: me. It's an all too common position of power I have since I hold unusually high standards for myself and scold myself, cruelly, if I can't reach them.

I scolded myself earlier for realizing that my birthday is due in a few months and that I've been single my entire life—kissless, handhold(less), relationship(less?). And, you know, I have enough self-awareness to ask myself: If I've been single that long, clearly there must be something wrong with me.

And on that premise, whoo boy, I whaled down on myself for... being …

The Open Secret

It's been a while since I've posted and I do apologize for that, but I also want to say that the main hindrance for me posting has been the overwhelming amount of lethargy in my life. I have no idea how this horrible seed has ingrained itself into my way of thinking, but it's already here. I can't uproot it for the time being (as I lack the willpower to do so) and all I can do is just let it sit there until, I don't know, something good happens.

Anyways, that's not the point. Aside from that (and the usual plethora of problems in my life), I have something else that I want to talk about today, something much more important.

I've been noticing that, as time goes on, I've become more of a secretive person. There's an overarching theme of privacy in this chapter of my life and it's been going on for quite a long time.

It all started a few months or so into my first job. While the environment was nice and the workplace sure was welcoming to me, it j…